Hubby's delayed flight, a bunch of family back to school prep, and some back to school germs derailed me. Add in some seriously hard days at work and I have been wandering around my house like a zombie.
Needless to say my ambitious morning routine was cut back to my bare basics...
1. Morning Pages
Then I got sick from too much caffeine I consumed while trying to keep going. I completely fell off the wagon yesterday. I knew I had a long day ahead, and I gave up on the morning routine stuff, because I couldn't fathom keeping up. Like the self-fulfilling prophecy it was, I didn't keep up. My brain was stuck on the "Can't" and I convinced myself there was no hope.
I woke up this morning with no clean bowls or spoons in the house, and an empty planner page for the week.
Not gonna lie. I had a few hours today of talking myself out of everything. If you've never experienced the slow downward spiral into the very definition of self-doubt and imposter syndrome, let me indulge you. This was the train of thoughts that began worming their way into my brain space.
I'm so tired.
I can't possibly do all these things today.
I knew I couldn't maintain my schedule.
I never keep up on what I say I'm going to do.
I'm a complete fraud.
No one really wants to listen to what I have to say.
I should throw in the towel on this whole writing gig.
Why are these telemarketers even calling me? Don't they know I have no money?
Of course I have no money. Who needs books about robots having sex? People are freaked out by this. It was a stupid idea.
I should delete that book file I've been shopping around. No one wants it.
No one wants me around either. I should just go back to bed.
I should have washed my sheets yesterday. I'm so gross.
I should take a shower. But I'm going to have to clean up this insanely gross house. Why bother?
It's already afternoon and I haven't even bothered to make myself lunch.
My calendar is so far behind I might as well throw it out.
It's kind of hard to read. But it's harder to stop the hate spewing in an endless loop once it burrows inside your skull and starts to fester. I bet some of you are nodding your head, or even saying things like, "Yeah, but when I talk about myself like that, I'm right." Caught ya. Because I do the same things when I stumble across people talking about their own self-doubt.
Here's the one thing I've learned over the years. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to take a day and wallow every once in a while. I'm going to fall off the wagon and skin my knees on the way down.
But I also know I can climb back out of that funk again.
I got my dishes done today. I'm on load three of the laundry. And I'm writing this blog. I'm turning my "Morning Pages" into "Afternoon Pages" for the day, and then I'm going to use a guided mediation, because my brain obviously can't be left to its own devices right now.
If you're talking down to yourself like I did yesterday and this morning, I want you to know you're not alone. I blame my guilty brain train on all that Catholic school I suffered through while growing up. LOL. But wherever it really comes from, the fact is, there are bad days, but those bad days make way for the good ones right around the corner.
Some days, my "Good Day" is writing five thousand words on a project, or rocking out some brilliant edits, or even planning a fantastic project for the house. Other days, "Good" means I made food and put on real clothes. Being an adult is fucking hard, and sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack.
Are you rocking your schedule from my 7 day challenge? Or did you fall off the wagon too? If you're down here in the dirt, I hope you know we can totally make it out of this. And until we make it to the shower, there's always dry shampoo to get us by.