I noticed the sunrise today. 

There are these blinking lights that create a mini-rave on the main road I take every morning to drop off my hubby at work. Normally these lights drive me bonkers. They tend to make the horrible traffic on the road even more distracting and disturbing. 

But today, when my eyes caught these lights they drew my attention to the sky. Stunning shades of pink and purple and blue blended together like a kickass woven blanket. 

You're probably asking yourself why I'm talking about the sky when this blog is supposed to be about my word for this year. And the reason is simple. My word is...

JOY

I was journaling and playing with my Merriam-Webster Dictionary/Thesaurus for a good week in the new year to try and pick my word. I was behind due to a bout of the plague going around, and was debating on if I even wanted a word this year. But I bought myself a cool maker's kit from MyIntent, and I still had some bracelets left. I wanted to use it, dammit.

I wanted a word that would give me a boost. My word for last year was "Start" and while I intended for it to give me a push to just do something, anything, what it ended up doing was making me feel like I had yet another chore, or yet another thing to do. Last year was a massive fail. And I wanted a word this year that wouldn't be another "To Do."

After almost giving up, I started to notice something. I noticed the word "Joy" pop up again and again. I wanted to find "Joy" in my writing again. I wanted to read books I en"Joy" this year. I wanted to be excited and find the "Joy" in everything, even failure.

My word for 2020 isn't a task. It isn't a plan. It's an intention. Wearing this word on my wrist isn't a reminder about what I still have to do, it's a reminder to be mindful and joyful in whatever is happening at this exact moment.

For example...I am sitting in a McDonald's writing this between dropping one kid off at school, and heading in for an IEP meeting for another. The place is completely empty, so I had my choice of seats. Yay!

Then group of older folks came in, looked at the entirely empty place and sat...right next to me on the same bench seat. UGH.

But I felt my bracelet. I felt my intention for this year and I stopped before my brain could start the usual spiral. As they begin talking LOUDLY about their memories of their parents' farms in the 40's (someone grew peanuts), I downloaded a white noise app on my phone. I've been meaning to get a white noise app on my new phone, and hadn't taken the time. This allowed me to check something off my massive to do list, and it's something that I'm doing just for me. Pretty damn good time.

I'm listening to birds chirp in the rainforest at the moment, and have a little smile on my face. Also have a bit of a grin because if these older conservative folks look over at my computer and get nosey, my hot little cover for "Bottled Up" is right next to where I'm typing these words. Heh.

I'm ready to go on a journey this year, and instead of planning out my day...something that never seems to work out for me...I'm going to head out into the world each day searching for the things that bring me joy.

My word is "Joy". What's yours?

​~Roxy

There are probably at least two or three other posts about this even on my own blog, but I wanted to take a minute to talk about the bad days. I have had quite a few and so have many other people around me lately. So I think it's worth discussing again.

I don't claim any knowledge about mental illness or great insight into physical ailments. I am for the most part, able bodied, and aside from the occasional slips, I am able to function in the real world with some mental stability.

But there was a time, where I binge-watched Netflix shows and didn't eat anything but instant ramen. I knew my husband was worried about me, but aside from getting into therapy, (which we couldn't afford), I had to ride it out. And I did. Because I've done the "ride it out" dance quite a few times over the years. 

When I got into planners, bullet journals, morning pages, and all the variations of those types of things, I found out that my way of coping worked best when I wrote down what I needed to do. 

This doesn't work for everyone, but making lists and crossing off the little wins throughout the day helped me put one foot in front of the other. 

If you are a planner addict, or list maker, like me...I wanted to share what I put on my list on the really bad days.

ROXY'S SELF-CARE TO DO LIST

1. Shower - There is something incredibly cathartic about washing yourself physically and watching the water run down the drain. I'm not a bath person. Soaking in my own funk is not for me. But if it's your happy place, do you. However you clean yourself...it's something I always put on my list when I realize I'm in a bad place. Because I usually need it by then.

2. Drink a full bottle of water - Being dehydrated is something I struggle with when I'm down. I resort to coffee and wine, and pretty much drink the first one until it's socially acceptable to drink the second. Drinking water is something I track when I need to, and in those rare moments I'm on a diet. A nutrition coach said you need to drink half of your body weight in ounces of water. (200lbs = 100oz/day) So I try to hit that goal, but on a bad day...I'm happy with a full bottle.

3. Eat something green - Diet also tends to suffer on the bad days, because fast food is easy, and tasty. But when I miss veggies in too many meals, my body feels it. Don't know if that has to do with getting older, or just more in tune with my body...either way...eat your veggies, kids.

4. Take a nap - I have put this on my To Do list more than once. One of the kids has to be at the bus stop by 6:25 every morning. So my wake up calls are brutal. Naps not only give me permission to shut off my brain, but help me recoup some of the sleep I am always short on. And ducking under a fluffy comforter is better than therapy some days. 

Do you have a list of things that you do when you're having a really bad day? I'd love to hear them. I could always use items to add to my list. 

And if you're struggling because life can beat even the strongest person to the ground, please know that you're not alone. Please know that it's okay to huddle up and take care of yourself. And please know that you're worth taking care of.

​~Roxy

I felt the pain. The nails raking down my abdomen, made me aware that the beast had returned.
 
I was invaded. But there was no way to eradicate the blades ripping me open. You’d never know what was erupting inside me, just by looking at my skin. And that was exactly what the beast wanted. It lay in wait of the perfect moment to take over. It watched a perfectly normal life be lived. It knew to strike when I felt the most safe. Belly full of food, napping on the bed, I didn’t even see the bastard coming.
 

​The shredded remains of my inner organs stayed put beneath beaten skin today. I was lucky. I remained conscious. I remained upright, and I didn’t once spew the vileness the beast provided like bacon-wrapped delicacies on a silver platter. I’m strong, but even I can recognize when I am outmatched. At least, that's what I tried to tell myself.

​But the beast felt my defeat, and grew in strength as it drained my own. It knew I couldn’t hide. It knew I was powerless to stop it. There was nothing left to do but bleed.
 

​In other words…
 
I started my period and this sucks. Send chocolate.
 
~Roxy

If I have learned anything about myself, it is that I am a self-help book ho. I love self-help books. 

There aren't a ton of brilliant break through moments in these tomes. Many self-help books talk about the same basic tenants. 

Some of the themes I see repeated...

1. Use affirmations to tell yourself exactly who you are about to become.

2. Think big, but start with small steps. Goals need baby steps, just like we did.

3. Start your day off right. Most of the time, by starting it off early.

Yeah. Early morning productivity is a big theme I see a lot in books. We all remember my Miracle Morning kick, right? If not, I'll spare you. I got injured and felt like absolute shit when I couldn't complete the umpteen million steps I had laid out for myself every day.

My miracle mornings had me feeling like I could take on the world...if I got them done. When I started missing the routine, I felt like absolute shit. I felt like a failure, and added into the other craziness that was going on in my life around the time I started missing my routine, it was one more issue that sent me spiraling. 

As a straight-A student for the vast majority of my life, failure is something I fear. Failure causes an eruption of emotions that should probably be addressed by a professional, but that would involve me admitting my own short-comings to a real person face-to-face, and I can't think of a more real vision of hell.

And after saying all that...my latest self-help read is about waking up early and doing morning routines. 

Now that you've all face-palmed at me, let me explain why. 

I thrive in the mornings. The house is quiet. I get one-on-one time with my pets. I get to listen to audiobooks or podcasts without someone constantly interrupting me (in a house with 5 people and 4 pets that's huge), and I get to drink my coffee all the way through without reheating it.

When I was writing regularly, my best words came before noon. After making lunch for everyone and scarfing down my own food in between the different meals for my pickyass family, I wasn't good for much more than mundane tasks.

In the new year I want to find the joy in my life again, and much of that joy came from writing, reading, and my animals. When did I get time for all that? Around 5am.

​Which is why I used some built up audible credits to download, Good Morning, Good Life.

I'm also following along with a book club through one of my favorite planner channels on YouTube, Cindy Guentert-Baldo. She is doing a lot of "plan with me" style videos for the new year, and while she and I are not of the same planning style, I like hearing her opinions, and she's a foul-mouthed momma that I relate to on a lot of levels. 

My thoughts on this book...

1. Buy or borrow in paper if you can.

This book has a few exercises at the end of the chapters that are a pain the butt to do if you have to keep rewinding to get the information down. In fact, I only completed the first prompt, because I was listening to this book while running errands, and stopping in the middle of the grocery store to write down deep meaningful journal entries just wasn't going to work for me. I'm probably going to re-read this or at least jump to the prompt pages when I have more time.

2. This is a kidless woman who works out of her home talking about how to make the most out of your mornings. 

To be fair, she acknowledges that she has it easier than a lot of people, but I know many folks will be grumpy by this fact, so giving you the heads up if you're thinking of purchasing. That being said, I don't disagree with her logic or her methods. There is always a way to fit in your dreams, but you have to make it a serious priority. I published my first book in a 1200 square foot house with no office, three kids, and two dogs underfoot. Everyone has their problems, and if we assign priority to something, we can do it. (Not talking about people with chronic health issues or people in crisis mode. You know when you're ready to do something about your dreams.)

3. I view this as Miracle Morning Lite

I saw a lot of the Miracle Morning mindset and techniques in this book. The difference? Amy doesn't expect you to do all of them every morning. She just suggests options and wants you to craft your own experience. 

4. A couple of items I plan on getting back to after reading this.

I'm going to start drinking water first thing in the morning again. Hydration is super important, and being that I'm recovering from the plague over here, it's extra vital. I'm also going to start journaling again. But I'm not ready to do anything too commitment heavy, so I'm journaling in the goodnotes app. One page. Big text. I'm also going to start reading more. But I have to admit that I'm not ready for romance yet. So I'm picking up alternatives. I'm getting into The Burial Society, by Nina Sadowsky, and I'm trying to read paper again to work on disconnecting from the internet. I learned I need to have a healthy distance sometimes, and it's important to have mental downtime.


The new year is always a time that I feel inspired to mix things up in my life. But rather than a radical shift this year, I'm going to start plucking bits from past years and make a new reality for myself. 

I started this morning sitting alone and writing this blog. The kids and hubby are all asleep. School and all the activities that come with it start back up tomorrow, so I'm taking today to enjoy the calm before the storm.

I'm off to do a quick journal entry, and then read a book to unplug. After a load of dishes, because I think they multiplied overnight. 

What are you going to do for yourself today?

~Roxy

I threw out my dead plant today. To my defense, my husband killed my poor bamboo by shoving the little low light lover under a blazingly bright growth bulb. But I was so far removed from caring for it, I didn’t argue.

See…this bamboo once lived in my office. My writing office. My office I have been avoiding for the last 8 months.

Other things I have avoided the last 8 months...

~ all my friends (online and IRL)
~ my writing (haven't touched a manuscript since April)
~ social media
~ paying my bills
~ doing my hair, or even brushing it

Back near the beginning of the year, I injured my back at work and was effectively a walking zombie. Thankfully my local RWA chapter let me step down from the role I had accepted with a lot more grace than I probably deserved.

Because when I walked out of my last RWA meeting, I didn’t intend to go back.

I was going to have a lot to say about how I had mentally imploded this past year and what I was going to try and do to tear myself out of it. I had it all planned in my head. I was going to login to Twitter first. Tell people I was going to go live on Facebook, and then get online and just talk.
​
However, I decided to do this on Christmas Eve. Well, turns out RWA decided to take a ride on the WTFery Express that very same day.

As a pro lurker, I always "read the room" before I talk. I had cocooned myself into a tight ball of YouTube and Shelly Laurenston re-reads. I probably re-read her Mangus Pack, Pride, and Badger series, three times this year. That woman's books offered me so much comfort, that I have no way to repay her. Anyway, I knew better than to jump in to any online forum without seeing what else was going on. What I saw had my jaw on the floor.

Check out various hashtags like #IStandWithCourtney and #RWAShitshow for some current information, because even as I write this shit is changing. I'm not up to date, but this is where the majority of the information is flowing through, and where a lot of people are organizing.

Smart Bitches, Trashy Books put out a great article on the goings on, with links to the official filings.

@RomancingNope has a great thread on the goings on.

Needless to say, I knew better than to hop on a live feed and ask how everyone’s day was.  

At this point, my RWA membership has long since lapsed, and so had my local chapter membership.

I am not about to come on this dusty blog and say I dropped my membership as soon as I learned what had gone on. I was already gone, but I can say I'm not surprised. Because if I had learned anything through my time in RWA, it was that the organization was about fitting in and doing things the "right" way.

I'm a white woman. I never experienced anything close to the brush aside that many authors of color had. I also came to RWA as a PAN (Paid Authors Network) member. So I had some legs to stand on. My first book released through Samhain Publishing (RIP) earned just enough to skate into the title. 
 
Here's the main reason I struggled in RWA... I am not wealthy. I am not financially secure. And I felt every bit the poor schlub during each and every “opportunity” RWA afforded me.   

I work a part time job, because daycare erased enough of my salary as a general manager that I would have taken a paycut if I had stayed where I was after my third child was born.

That’s right. Third. I am a momma. Have been for over fifteen years now. And let me tell you, horror stories have nothing on the thought of turning the boychild loose behind the wheel. I made a decision early on that I would not publicly post about my kids. But I did myself a disservice by segmenting that part of myself. And I'm going to stop that going into this new year.
 
When my kids were younger, nap time meant writing time. I had an easy schedule and aside from a few quirks that come from two of my kids dancing on the autism spectrum, there were only a few days I had to shut all the chairs in another room to save some of the furniture from a determined and impressively strong 2 year old and his tantrum.

When I started writing, it was an escape from talking about Thomas the Train, and getting to imagine a world where I played with sexy, confident, and fun characters.

I was blessed to get in with a few amazing women whose books I loved, and they took me under their wing. They gave me a boost, and I published my first books. 

Those books didn't take off. And when Samhain Publishing went under, the meager checks that had been paying for my self-published work, and giveaways, evaporated. 

There was no money coming in. I figured it was a hiccup, and I threw myself into RWA. There were a lot of successful women in my local chapter.

Surely I'd find advice to get where I wanted to be if I just took these classes...
If I just bought this book that my chaptermates recommended...
If I just went to this conference...
If I just went out to dinner with these people...
If I just entered this contest...

Do you see the problem with this plan I was working on? Everything cost money. I skrimped and saved. I haven't bought clothes from anywhere but a thrift store in over five years. "A Meal Out" for our family treat is McDonalds. We are splurging if we grab crazy bread with our Little Caesars.

The credit card debt started to climb as my kids found their own passions. Surely, I'll start making money again. I just needed to do this one more thing. Right?!?!

But the money never came in. My chapter was nice, but I kept getting the impression that everyone expected me to do more. Surely someone can provide snacks for the group. Surely someone can donate their time. Surely someone is able to take our guest out to dinner. 

My last year at RWA I took advantage of the "Perseverance Fund". This is a fund where you get to write a stranger and tell them you don't have money. It's super fun.

I don't ever ask for money. I make do on what I have. And begging for freebies made me feel like absolute shit. There's not too many people who take advantage of the fund. RWA board, this isn't the way to do this. I'm not sure what the other option is, but if no one uses the current option, you need to look at the reasons why. My reason? It feels degrading.

In my real life the bills started to pile, and the debt collectors started ringing my phone. I was in over my head. Way over my head. So I hid.

To the people I roped into writing with me...I have no excuse. I am so incredibly sorry I abandoned all of you. I put a message in our group.

Working my way out of the hole I was in both mentally and financially took everything I had in me, and I couldn't open anything involving this part of my life. I finally had to admit that I screwed up, and apologize. So that's what I'm working on now.

I'm not going to say I know what I'm doing anymore, because I obviously don't. What I am going to say, is that RWA didn't work for me, and I felt like a huge fucking failure for having all the support I did, and not making it. 

What am I going to do in 2020? 

I'm going to survive. 

I'm going to rediscover my joy in both reading and writing.

I'm going to try and tell you about it in this blog.

For a good while, I wrote here everyday. It's not "RoxyRocksMe.com" anymore, because someone bought my domain out from under me when it lapsed. I'm working on updating my social media to reflect that. I'll try and buy back the other domain if the money comes in to do so. Otherwise...it's just my name now. 

And that's kind of fitting for where I'm at mentally. I'm just me. I'm not an expert, I'm just trying the best I can, and trying to share what I love and what works. 

If you're willing to follow along with me, I'd love to have you.

Here's to 2020. Let's see what happens.

~Roxy