I'm not sure where it came from. It could be from the changes in my body. (Fucking perimenopause.) It could be the daylight savings time shift. I swear, it's always dark now. Or maybe it's just the fact that my evil day job has been extra evil, and home life has shifted immensely.

Whatever caused it, I've found myself pulling back from everything, and everyone. I stopped calling friends. I stopped going out of the house unless it was absolutely necessary, and even brief interactions felt like they were physically draining to accomplish. 

I started sleeping a lot more. At the worst, I would go to bed at 8:30, wake up at my usual time of 5am, and be back in bed by 10am, sleeping through lunch unless the phone rang with a telemarketer.

I stopped using my planner. Stopped writing in my journal. Stopped reading and writing. I went for four days in the thick of it without changing my clothes. It got bad, guys. I don't think I cried though. Because when I come up against strong emotions, I shut it all down. And frankly, my emotion factory had turned off completely.

You might be saying to yourself, it's time to go to a doctor. Welp...when your bank account is stretched super thin, that's not an option. At least not in my area of the midwest. Any visit to the doctor, even with employer-based insurance is going to run me at least a couple hundred dollars, and that's money I don't have. And mental health services aren't covered under the same umbrella as physical health in my plan. So it would probably cost more. I'm not in a crisis mode. I'm not in danger of doing anything drastic. I'm just very melancholy. 

Digging myself out of this hole is taking longer than I thought it would, and I wanted to share in this space that I'm struggling. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to put out a happy product, but I don't want to disillusion anyone into thinking I'm never sad. It's important to understand how an online presence works, and that what you see on the surface doesn't always show reality.

Is everything I put out before this post honest? Absolutely. I wasn't faking the joy I find in the writing world. I work hard to have fun and enjoy my online spaces, because reality can be a bitch. So when I was writing about things I enjoyed, I hope that passion made its way from my fingers to your interpretation of my words. I know, on the logical side of my brain, that I have a lot to be grateful for. But sometimes my perspective gets skewed and I'm not alone in that struggle to understand reality. 

In my current reality our only family vehicle started smoking a few days ago. I'm not talking about a little steam. I'm talking, we would drive down the street and a damn near white out cloud would erupt from the engine and the tailpipe. When the engine started overheating along with it, despite having filled up the coolant, I was utterly convinced we'd blown a head gasket. But...this was our only vehicle, and we were still in the hole for $7,000 on the loan for it. So scrapping it while continuing to pay off the loan wasn't an option.

Blown head gasket on a V6 engine...holy hell. I was wondering how many organs I'd need to sell to get that taken care of. And in my state of mind, I started to lose it. Thankfully my hubby was able to adjust his work schedule, and we limped the vehicle to a rental place to pick up a car that didn't need a half hour break every three miles. He took it to the repair shop, and we waited.

When it came back that only some hoses needed replaced and flushed, and there was no sign of coolant in our oil, I damn near fell to the ground in relief. What would have resulted in my not being able to pay our mortgage, turned into a $650 dollar repair, and I was weak with relief. 

This moment was when I felt perspective kick in. Had you told me first, that our vehicle needed $650 repairs, I would have had the same reaction as I did to the $2k plus option. But because I had been freaking out over the head gasket, the new bill seemed like an utter relief.

I couldn't get over how funny my brain was, and how all of the things I was worried about could be so much worse. I got a shower that day. I got laundry and dishes done. I started climbing out. 

I'm still working on getting back to the me I'm happy with, but I can see the sun again. (Figuratively. It's still dark and cloudy all the damn time here.)

A few days ago, I posted on Instagram my minimum steps for survival. And when I find myself feeling really down, that's exactly what I need to focus on.

So if you find yourself struggling, please know you aren't alone. Lots of us go through tough mental health days, and we're all working through some shit. If you need something to focus on, try to take some of my steps forward. It can't hurt.

1. Get a shower.
2. Drink some water.
3. Eat a meal with fruits and veggies.
4. Meditate if you can.

​This is where I start when I need to climb out of a funk. Your steps might be different. But I keep this basic list in mind and work my way forward. The drinking water thing surprised me with how important it is. Dehydration drags you down, and if you're pushing water, your body will make you get up and move.

I also still love my timer. I can convince myself to be productive for five and ten minutes a lot easier than I can convince myself to tackle a big task. 

Negotiate with your brain and move forward. 

If you're struggling too, and have any tips on how you pull out, post them below. I'd love to add them to my arsenal.

And please remember, it's okay to pull back and take care of you. You can't pour from an empty cup, so make sure you fill up when you need to. Hugs to anyone struggling. We'll get through this. 

~Roxy

If you haven't noticed by my lack of blogging lately, I have been hiding out from the interwebs. Life threw me for a real loop and I'm working hard to get my feet back under me. But I am surrounded by a fantastic group of authors and friends, and because we all know by now, (I've said it enough this month, I know. I'll shut up soon.), NaNoWriMo is a time to try new things.

I had a small tripod and a mediocre cell phone, so I tried hosting an online write in, in my NaNoWriMo writers group.

Why not publicly, you ask? Um...it was a stay at home day, and I didn't want to put on makeup. The only reason you get the re-creation pic below is because of photo editing. My eye bags and lack of makeup need help this early in the morning. And frankly, I'm not putting on makeup to take one pic for this blog. I love, y'all. But not enough to attempt eyeliner before a full cup of coffee.


What did I learn from my first live video? Well...let me break it down.

1. FB live video has a delay. I loaded up the FB page to see if my video was actually showing up, and there was a good 10-15 second delay between what I was saying and what was showing up.

2. Avoid front-facing cameras if you need to show anything with words on it. So if you are going to be showing off a book or cute items with quotes, use your rear-facing camera. The FB live feed allows you to line everything up before you start broadcasting, so you have time to line up your shot. 

3. Selfie rules apply. Any selfie addict knows, you need to find your angle. Don't set up a camera below your line of sight. If you're using your laptop, prop that bitch up. The higher the camera, the fewer chins you have. #protip I might not be the most professional videographer, but I know that if you want that good look, setting your video up just off to the side to allow for 3/4 profile, and slightly above my line of sight, works well for me.

​4. You viewing yourself counts as a "watch". I legit thought there was someone in my group watching me for a good 5 minutes before I realized, the viewer was my own FB feed on there. Yep. Felt real dumb.

5. You have the option to post your video after streaming or delete it. After you end your broadcast, you can either post the video to view later or wipe that bitch away. Obviously, how the stream went would determine if you post or don't. I shared mine, mainly because no one else in my group was around, and me yammering and writing for an hour wouldn't be worthwhile if I didn't post it. But if shit goes wrong...no one but those watching live have to know.

6. Turn off notifications! I didn't think about how loud notifications would be. And my phone got a couple of them during the feed which resulted in an epicly loud ding during the video. So another #protip, turn off all notifications and the ability to receive calls before you start broadcasting if using your phone. I'll definitely do so next time. 


Yes, I did go back and watch my own video. And I don't think it was half bad. I thought I'd be awkward and stumbling, but I found the whole experience relaxing. It was like talking to friends. I did occasionally glance at the camera during my writing sprint time and smirk. And there was a bit of a "this is odd" feeling during the writing sprint times, because I felt like I should be talking. Which is also why my writing sprint end count was lower than it usually was. But in about an hour, I chatted, wrote 1400ish words, and tried something new. 

I think I'm going to do more live videos, simply because I enjoyed sitting down and chatting with a cup of coffee in hand. Before I do anything outside of closed groups, though, I'm going to set up my shot better, sit in a room that isn't lit from above, and put on some damn makeup. 

Have you watched a live video stream before? If so, what is your preferred space to watch? FB? IG? Or have you done your own livestreams or write-ins before? If so, share some tips with me. I'd love to hear them.

​~Roxy

I have come to understand the beauty of excuses to get out of certain obligations. 

And one of my favorite things about NaNoWriMo is the fact that I can use it as an excuse. When you're a writer, no one really believes you work. While it's true there are times when our "writing" consists of falling down a YouTube rabbit hole of research, we still need that "butt in chair" time.

November has been touted as one of the worst times of the year to try a writing challenge. If my research holds true, it's the very reason the originators chose it. If you can write a book in November, when all the holiday prep and family obligations are demanding your time, then writing during the rest of the year is a cake walk. Hence the reason this is a challenge.

What I think everyone is missing, is the possibilities this task holds. Because most people don't get how much work goes into a novel, NaNoWriMo puts a quantifiable task at the forefront that's easier for the general public to understand. 

What I'm saying is, when you tell your family, "I need to finish my book", they don't understand what that means. But when you tell that same group, "I need to write 50,000 words in only 30 days" they take it more seriously. And if you have daily goals to tout they tend to leave you alone.

Do you get what I'm putting out there? Do you see where I'm going with this?

The holidays are stressful. If you have a large family, or big group of friends, or even an evil day job that puts you in forced socialization situations, you have a lot of events coming up this month. NaNoWriMo is the perfect excuse to cut out early, or not attend at all.

If you're in the United States, the past few years in politics have been especially divisive. And many families who silently disagreed with each other, are now openly arguing. Are you stuck going to such a function? TAKE YOUR LAPTOP. Claim you're behind in NaNoWriMo and put yourself in a spare room with a big glass of wine and make your word count work to your advantage. I'm telling you, there is no one who will keep track of exactly how much you write. So if you need to stay in a locked room for two hours because your Uncle is ranting about something he "knows" because he saw it on Facebook...take the leave and work on your beautiful stats page.

If anyone has peeked at mine lately, you'll know that I've fallen off the wagon. Along with this blog. I don't have any excuses. I had to make a choice to either push my already stretched nerves, or work on the basics. I'm talking I had to get down to basic self-care of showering and eating.

Life gets away from us, and we have to make the best choice for who we are that very day. Today, I did some much needed housework and worked on a WIP despite not knowing if I'm going to keep it. I let myself write, because even if I fail, I'll be failing forward and getting some excellent writing practice in.

Am I going to take my laptop to my in-laws' turkey day battleground? You bet your sweet butterballed ass, I am. Needing a break doesn't always get you out of obligations. But keep NaNoWriMo in your back pocket, like I do. You might find a way to add to your word-count while avoiding an awkward conversation or libation-fueled fight.

What about you? Do you have something you want to hide out from this November? Ever thought of using your word count as an excuse? Are you going to try it now? I'd love to hear about it.

~Roxy

This video popped up in my recommendeds today on YouTube. I had a body-abusing day at work yesterday, and I'm battling myself to get even the basics done around the house. 

I'm pretty proud I got out of my slippers and put on real shoes before going out in public, honestly.

So here's the quick kick in the pants (especially with NaNoWriMo in full swing) that some of us, like me, need. Your schedule isn't set in stone. If it were, we'd all be much more productive. But if you're like me, and doing some emergency car shopping while suffering from crap credit, the muse is hiding in a corner.

Life throws a lot at us, and it seems the shitstorm of bad costs either money or time. Both of which can negatively impact a writer.

There's no right way to do this creative gig. There's no definition of success aside from the one you decide upon. 

Let's stop taking ourselves so seriously. Let's do something fun. We can type a blog post on our phone. Or write a poem on a napkin.

Can you find a creative way to squeeze in some words? If you find a way to write on the go, or create when you don't think you have time, I'd love to hear about it. 

There's no "right" time. So when are you going to write?

~Roxy

I've been at my computer for an hour now attempting to get to this web page. And I'm scared to leave this page, because with severely limited internet access, I'm not sure I'd ever find y'all again.

On retreat with my writer's group, we've been suffering through the most bare bones WiFi I've experienced in a long while. And I'm reminded more than ever how much of my daily life is online. 

I've spent the last two hours flipping off my screen and hopping between the two WiFi channels I have access to. 

The upside to the whole situation is that I got a ton of writing done yesterday. But don't expect any pictures, because this was a weekend of no makeup and I couldn't get snapchat filters to work. 

I write and chit chat during times of no WiFi. Had I been alone I would have been elbow deep in my stack of books to be read.

Tell me what you do when there's no internet. Do you love a country setting to escape to? Or are you a city-slicker like me who has to have their fix of internet access? I'd love to hear about it.

Now...fingers crossed that I'm able to post it.

​~Roxy

I'm writing this from a place where I'm pretty sure people get lost in the woods and murdered. I had to drive...in the dark...down to a much more southern part of Indiana. On roads without lines on them. It was fucking scary for this suburb dweller. 

So you might be asking yourself, why I did such a thing. Because my local RWA chapter decided to have a writer's retreat. Welp. I needed a kick in the pants, and I signed up. 

I'm sitting here typing this while the sun is rising over a field with a fresh dusting of snow and horses are eating hay just outside the window. Sure it's pretty, but there are also axes on the property that are available to use. Like I said...we're going to be murdered.

But the reason I'm here is because I need to get some writing done. I need to get some motivation, and I need to get a kick in the ass to get myself back out in the publishing world again.

Like I've said in past blogs, (You can check out my 2017 review here), I like to try something new each year. And this year I'm trying a retreat. The fact that it happens right in the dreaded week 2, seemed perfect. 

I'll have to take some pictures to show all of you, but frankly, I plan to spend this time writing. I'm hoping for a 10k weekend. Lofty goals when I'm surrounded by such great women who like to chat as much as I do. But I can do this...right? RIGHT?!?!?

If you're looking for a little buddy writing, you can try something I did for years. Check online for write-ins. I'll even post one from one of my favorite YouTubers to get you started.

Tell me...do you write better alone or with others? What are your tips to getting words in with other people. I'd love to hear about it.

​~Roxy

There are certain stereotypes surrounding writers. You know the ones...the ones where we stay in our pajamas all day, drink excessive amounts of coffee, hide out and write or lament about our lack of writing while ignoring things like showering and basic self-care? Yeah. That's me. Pretty much all of them.

My ideal day is getting lost in a book or binging on Netflix and cuddling with my cat and my dog. Oh...writing too. But the writing is only ideal when my muse is talking to me, and we haven't been on speaking terms as of late. Which is exactly what I'm hoping to change this weekend.

Writing trips haven't been in the budget since we bought our home. Old homes are serious money pits, y'all. We haven't taken any trips, but hey...the blue floral shag and kitchen carpet is gone.

I'm changing my lack of writerly travel today. In less than 12 hours I'm heading to my very first writer's retreat with my local RWA chaptermates. I've been stalled on my publishing track, and I'm hoping to be inspired to change that over the next couple days. I'm also hoping for a massive influx of words, but I'm not sure how I'll perform in that aspect because I've never done great work while surrounded by people.

I think it goes back to working in a restaurant as a manager. I'm constantly looking around to see what others are doing and how they are enjoying themselves. Hopefully, I can get over that quirk and get something productive done this weekend, but even if I don't, I'm excited to be surrounded by women who have tons of experience, knowledge, and enthusiasm. 

I'm going back and forth between being super excited, and super nervous. Mainly because there is no escape for this introvert once I get there. But I make it a goal to try something new every NaNoWriMo, and this year, it's going to be writing with other people. 

I'm bringing wine and headphones. LOL. Do you write better in groups or alone? And have you ever been on a writing or work retreat before? I'd love to hear about it.

See you all when I'm on vacation!

~Roxy

I've been listening to a few Shane Dawson songs on repeat simply because they hit the memory center of my brain. And I thought I should just go ahead and download them rather than replaying them over and over again on YouTube and killing my stupid low data limit from Comcast. (Oh yeah. Still hate you, Comcast.)

​But come to find out, I can't get them on Amazon Music. *sniff* I'm tempted to buy them on iTunes, just as soon as I can figure out how to get them over to my Android phone. 

Y'all...help a girl out if you know how to do that. Until then...listen to these and tell me you aren't singing along. I dare you.

What songs do you like that aren't traditionally played on the radio or trend on iTunes? I'd love to hear them! Bonus points if they are available on Amazon.

​~Roxy

Here in the ol' US of A it's election day. And like a lot of moments in my life today, voting this morning made me realize I've changed significantly from even a few years ago.

I was always one of those people who had their hand over the ballot to block anyone from looking over my shoulder. We still have paper ballots at my local polling places, so I tended to hunch over and hide.

This year, when I walked into my surprisingly empty polling location, there wasn't a single available pop up cardboard booth to stand at. I realized I could wait for one to open up, but then I realized I could also just sit at a table and get my voting done. And it was at that moment that I realized I could give two shits if anyone saw my ballot. 

I'd gone online and done research about each of the major, and minor elections that were on my ballot. I had my notes on my phone so I could get in and out quickly without having to remember the extensive info about all the candidates. There were really only a few that were close for me, but I wanted to make sure I didn't get mixed up before I'd had my second cup of coffee.

A gentleman sat next to me and asked if I minded if he took up the space on the other side of the small table. I told him "no", because in the midwest, you are polite by default and even if something is an imposition you say it's fine anyway. Like family "dropping by" with less than a day's notice. It's no imposition at all....really. (Insert sarcasm font, and internal screaming here.)

But once the man sat down, and I found myself going about my business just as I had before, I realized I didn't give a fuck if he sat down and stared at my ballot. 

I didn't give a fuck if he'd have shouted out that my votes were for people that weren't popular in my area. I'm a blue vote in a deep DEEP red state. While I don't always vote party lines, I'd be lying if I said my votes didn't have distinctly blue tinge to them, but I make sure I know who I'm voting for and why.

And if all I do with my vote is let people around me know that not everyone thinks like they do, then I've done something. 

It took me a while to see it that way. Because in my state, my vote doesn't make much of a difference beyond local elections. Nope, I'm here to screw up the "landslide" effect and maybe make a wave to keep the elected officials from drifting too far out to the extremes. I'm here to put in my two cents. I'm here to vote, because I'm able to. And not voting isn't an option. Not voting is a slap in the face to the people who are standing outside a voting location for HOURS to have their say. 

I speak with my money. I speak with how I behave in the real world. And I speak with my vote. 

​Every year women travel to Susan B. Anthony's grave to put their stickers on her headstone. And I paused the first time I realized this was a thing. I speak with my vote. And I hope you do to. Especially if you are a woman. Because not that long ago, we didn't have a voice. Going to her grave and putting my own sticker on it, is officially on my bucket list.

Today, I voted. Did you? I'd love to see your sticker. Tweet it at me or tag me on instagram. There are many reasons voting is important. Don't allow yourself to be silenced, even if your vote simply means you cancel out one of the majority. Your voice is louder than you think.

​~Roxy

There are some people who despise NaNoWriMo, and I've already seen lots of people talking shit about it. Every year, I know the hate for the idea of fast drafting is coming, but it still stings a little. Mostly because some of the hate comes from authors whose work I respect.

But I want to talk about the process of NaNoWriMo and why it's so damn valuable. 

Everyone knows that having a thick skin is part of the publishing industry. At least, they say they know that, but come November, there will be blog after blog, and post after post, shitting on the idea that any good books can come from NaNoWriMo. People so pissed off and threatened by the idea that their techniques aren't the ones featured, that they feel the need to put others on blast. Here's the problem with that, just because it doesn't work for you, oh wise ones of the writing world, doesn't mean it's wrong. 

Here in the world of creativity, there isn't a right or wrong, there is finding what works for you. And just like I will swear up and down the world would be a better place if everyone was forced to work the holiday season in retail at least once in their lives, I will go to bat for the idea that every writer should try NaNoWriMo...and for more than just a week.

For those of us who do well fast drafting and editing the shit out of the manuscript later, NaNo shows us that we can do this. That it's hard, and it's frustrating, but there is a community to reach out to, and a way to write those glorious words..."The End."  I'd argue that there is just as much to gain from "Losing" NaNoWriMo. Or from going off script and setting a lower goal, or finishing up an already started manuscript, or even doing edits instead of writing new words in November. Because you have to find joy in what you accomplished, even if no one else does. There is always someone ready and raring to tell you that you're "Doing it wrong" or that you "Didn't really win" or that it "Doesn't count". 

You're going to get the wind knocked out of your sails at some point in the month. It could be from outside forces, or your own internal dialogue telling you that because you can't write 10k in two days that you're not as good as other writers. There are plenty of opportunities to compare yourself to others this month, because everyone who is participating likes to talk about it. (You're reading this blog, so you know I'm one of those people.)

Which brings me to another lesson NaNoWriMo taught me...No good comes from comparing your success to other people. 

You have to find strength inside yourself, and this month puts that shit to the test. Even if you don't sign up on the official website, you might be avoiding the internet for more reasons than the upcoming election. And it's a great reason to ask yourself why. 

There will always be someone better at something than you. Not being the best doesn't mean you should take the technique and chuck it out the window. It's a time to hone your craft, and practice your skills. Or maybe it's time to practice embracing the joy other people feel even if it's not your bag. Other people don't cause your feelings. That's all on you. So if NaNoWriMo makes you mad, it's time to do some real work and figure out what in your own mind is getting your panties in a bunch.

I've "won" NaNoWriMo for the last five years, but there were years I didn't feel great about it. I'd look at other writers clocking twice the word count I did, and feel bad. And that was my bullshit to work through. It wasn't easy admitting it was my own brain sabotaging me, but it was the fucking truth. 

I'd argue the biggest challenge NaNoWriMo offers isn't the 50,000 words it prompts you to write, but what you do after this month is over. Some of us will end up with a finished draft, others will have thousands of words to go until they hit the end, and still more will only have clocked a few thousand words, that they may have to trash all of. What you do with that information is up to you, and how you move forward is also completely in your court.

NaNoWriMo taught me I wasn't a quitter.

I didn't hit 50k the first year I wrote. I didn't hit the end of a book for a few more rounds. But the next year, I finished a novel. The year after that, I wrote a better one. Then I started editing. And soon enough I let other people read what I wrote. My first books sucked. Hell, there will be a lot of people who will tell you all my books suck. But I've also hit PAN status at RWA. I've been featured in magazines. I've been "Top Picks" on a couple blogs. All because I didn't stop trying. 

Now, fast drafting might not work for you. I'm not saying it will. I'm saying, talking about writing a book and never putting the words on paper is the only way you really fail. And if you go through the month of November, and realize you don't want to work on this book anymore, no one is going to come for you and point a shaking finger at you in shame. 

Picking yourself up and trying something else, is how you win. Writing another book is how you win. Taking the next step and editing your work, is how you win. Are you still writing? Are you still working on what you set out to do this November? Be proud. Power on. Whatever you're doing with your writing or your career, someone will tell you you're doing it wrong. Do it anyway. You might find out it doesn't work for you after all, but you won't know until you try.

NaNoWriMo taught me determination. It taught me to keep going. It taught me to try new things. What are you going to learn this month? You won't know until you sit at your computer and start.

I'd love to hear about what you're trying. Or what NaNoWriMo is already teaching you. 

~Roxy