With hubby in a newer high stress job this round, there's a whole other circle of hell I'm prepping for. But this makes my writing and morning habits for myself even more important.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is learning the difference between "Falling" and "Failing". And convincing my heart as well as my brain, that they are two very very different ideas. It's helping me cope when my carefully laid plans go to shit.
I'm going to fall. Whenever we are trying to get our feet under us for the first time, or after a loss, we'll stumble. I'll fall off the wagon with my morning pages. I'll fall off in my word count, even after kicking a lot of ass the past couple weeks. Hell. Falling down on doing laundry and dishes when I am reminded that they are a chore that is NEVER EVER FINISHED...well, that's definitely going to happen. The rat race of cleaning is fucking discouraging.
But falling, doesn't mean I've failed.
My alarm goes off at 5am every morning, and I have the choice on how I want to start my day. Sometimes I'm up and off running. I do a countdown in my head and force myself out of my warm bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth and slap some cold water on my face.
Other times, I didn't get the sleep I needed and I'm dragging. I take longer getting my morning started. I listen to an audio book and forget to put water in my coffee maker.
What I have to realize is that just because I missed my morning routine, doesn't mean my entire day is a failure. Just because I missed filling out my planner for a week, doesn't mean I should toss it in the trash.
When I fall, I've got to tell myself to start where I am, not worry about where I should be.
I'm a perfectionist at heart, and maybe others don't have the same problems with this as I do. But if you've ever thrown out a journal because you couldn't bear looking at your failed attempt at filling the pages, you and I share some traits. So this is a chat for you.
I've been working on mindfullness, and being present in the moment. During meditation my brain always went straight to the idea that if I was not doing something productive, I'd just wasted a moment I'll never be able to get back. Which is the worst way to think about it. And it made meditation a bitch to get through. I could be doing dishes, or laundry, or journaling, or writing. Why the fuck am I worried about my breathing? And OMG, when was the last time the dog went out?
My brain is a scary place sometimes. But something I've come to realize after FORCING myself to do at least a minimum of mediation is that, for those few brief minutes, I am appreciating the fact that I'm breathing. And a breath might have gone completely unnoticed and unappreciated if I'd been rushing around or numbing my brain with planner videos since the news is so scary I'm afraid to turn on the television.
I kept meditating. I stopped. I breathed. And I experienced moments in time I would have missed. While there will never be another moment exactly like this one, there will also be a brand new moment where I can start all over. In the next moment, I am a brand new person that didn't exist in the moment before.
I only fail if I stop breathing. I only fail if I stop starting over and taking another step. It doesn't matter where I was yesterday, because yesterday was an entirely different moment than the one I'm in now. Yesterday doesn't matter, because it's over. What matters is if I'm moving forward from where I am right now.
I'm going to slip. I'm going to slide back down the ladder, or lose my turn in the grand game of life we play each day. But if I look around and really take stock, I'm the only player on my board. I'm the only one who matters in my game. Do I give up? Or do I roll the dice and take another turn?
I roll the dice. I try something new. Or maybe I reinvigorate a habit I know makes me feel good.
This blog? This blog makes me feel good. I've missed a few days here and there, but I've been posting almost daily.
Today's ramblings are a bit more free-form that I usually post, and I hope as a reader, you don't mind indulging me in musings like this on occasion.
Did you fall today? I did. I fell a few times. But I'm taking a step. What step are you going to take right now? I'd love to hear about it.