I like to think that I've got my shit together, and for brief fleeting moments, I get there. The planners are organized, the sun is shining, and I don't have to drink my morning coffee out of a bowl because all the mugs are dirty and piled in my office.
I have a bad habit of saying "Fuck It" and throwing everything out the window when things don't go right. My carefully laid budget was recently tossed out the window. Hubby's job took away his company car. My laundry piled up due to a super hectic schedule change. And when I had to wear the most uncomfortable bra I own because it was the only one clean, something inside me shut down.
Scrolling through social media is a hot lava bed of shit at the moment, so I've been trying to tune out as much as possible. Blocking and unfollowing people is not a sin, people, and I highly recommend using these features liberally. But on one of my rare scrolls through I saw a friend post who I hadn't seen in a while. She talked about how she noticed she'd pulled back from friends and family without even realizing it. And reading her observations I saw myself in every sentence.
I couldn't deal with the people I knew in real life who are family, or close enough to be called family, spouting hateful things. I couldn't deal with the fact that money is tight and I can't do the things I feel like I should be able to do for those I love. And escaping into YouTube videos or books was necessary to keep me from breaking down, but it also meant that even fun interactions with real humans was a chore. Peopling wore me out physically, and I've been sleeping a lot more than I used to.
When I have to deal with past trauma because I'm forced to by the world around me being awful, I shut it all down. Emotions are emotions and the only way to shut off the bad ones is to shut off all of them. Once I get to a certain point, it's how I deal.
The world doesn't give a shit that you're hurting. Especially your job, or your mortgage, or all those volunteer organizations you signed up for when life wasn't a fucking mess.
Welp...this is super fucking cheery, isn't it? Look. There's also a good chance that your friends are going through a rough time right now. And while seeing it doesn't always make you feel good, at least know by seeing it, that you're not alone.
Let me say that again. You're not alone. You're not the only one building a blanket fort and hiding from the world.
Today I'm taking it easy. So here's ALL that's on my To Do list today...
1. Go to the pet store. My babies need food, and I'm stocking up so I don't have to worry about it.
2. Journal. I've let this slip, and I have a feeling it's why I'm not doing as well as I'd like to be. I'm fixing that today.
3. Meditate. I'm taking time to work through the basics, and this has become one of them.
4. Set up Calendar and To Do list. There is something about having my basics down on paper that makes them seem more conquerable.
They say you can't pour from an empty cup, and I'm pretty sure my cup has dust bunnies inside it, because I know I drank the wine already.
If you're working through some shit too, here's a little meditation to get you started. I was searching for a quick meditation to get myself started, and this popped up.
I can't think of a more perfect way to let go.
Join me and get your zen on. Then let's get started refilling the cup. I'll pop the cork on a bottle of wine.